Feast III The Happy Finish

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"Hey should we turn this off "

Oct 17th, 2009

A few months after the last film and this arrived in the post, I actually forgot I ordered it. The thing was the last film sucked and (this was shot back to back with the last) things were hardly going to be different this time out. Strangely though, I actually enjoyed this a lot more than part 2. Maybe because my expectations were a lot lower.

Saying that I enjoyed this more actually gives the wrong impression – this film is still a turd, just slightly more polished. The plot here is just as lacklustre; still in the town populated by the creatures, our guides (I just can't refer to these misfits as heroes) try to find a way to escape, this time with the aid of a mysterious prophet who for some strange reason is able to repel the beasts.

The body count here is high, each and every character gets slaughtered, bringing a big grin to my face. I hated these characters from the get go and all overstayed their welcome, how did they all survive the last chapter? The blood flows but everything has become so cartoony – each death doesn't seem finite enough.

This has the same shoddy production values as the last which would have been fine but it an attempt to change things up halfway through the flick we go underground. The cameras clearly weren't up to the job and at one point we get a crazy rave like action scene that goes on far too long. The strobing effect here actually gives you a headache and you'll have to strain your eyes to make out what is happening, even with the brightness and contrast levels turned up on your TV.

Here comes one of my gripes with the film, where in the hell was Bozo and Tuffy? (the survivors from part one) Gulager mentioned that the first sequel would be centered around Honey Pie (Not quite, but she was in it) and we would have to wait for the sequel to find out what happened to the others. They are nowhere to be seen, no reference, no cameo. I don't understand this, if they were not going to be in the film why show them driving off at the start of the second? They were basically the reason I sat through these films only to end up getting shafted.

On the topic of problems, here is the biggest, which pissed me off to no end. Here I need to issue a SPOILER WARNING as the final scene of Feast II and opening Of Feast III will be revealed. At the end of Feast II Honey Pie is hit with a flying piece of metal and seemingly killed (the credits play over her bleeding body). At the end of the credits she jumps to her feet screaming leaving me happy with the thought that Jenny Wade would be running around in the next film (she had been wasted). As the third film opens on the exact same scene Honey Pie has her head severed from her body, swallowed by one of the creatures and defecated on all in the space of one minute. How dare they do this to me again? The DVD clearly states Jenny Wade as one of the stars, in fact she's the only star. Not only did John Gulager have the creature shit on her but he shit all over me and anyone who bought this DVD, for shame.

The ending defies belief – if you don't want to know how it ends skip this paragraph SPOILER BEGINS. The few surviving characters that escape from the underground massacre stand discussing what to do next. At this point a giant robot (you read that right) walks by and steps on them killing them. Following this a Mexican Mariachi stands over their remains singing a song that sums up the trilogy as the credits role. I am not making this up, its been posted on YouTube please go and watch this nonsense. SPOILERS END.

I would like to say this is the end of the Feast trilogy but Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton have already completed the fourth part. (At what point did four movies make a trilogy?). I really hate these films, it might have been better to leave the first a stand-alone film or pass the reins over to people with more talent. Project Greenlight you have failed. 3/10

Best Kill
All of them – Die bastards die

This has the shortest runtime of all three films. Thats a good thing
I hate John Gulager as a director
I hate Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton movies post Feast 1 (I was a bit harsh when I wrote that I quite like the rest of their work excluding Feast 2,3 and Piranha 3DD).

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