Lesbian Vampire Killers

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"I'm going for a piss "

Oct 13th, 2010

This is one of those times when you see the title of the film an ask yourself- are they serious? Many times have I come across this (Snakes on a Plane, Zombie Strippers) but something still draws me in, it's so unbelievably bad I have to see it. Then about ten minutes into these flicks it dawns on me, their titles are crap for a reason.

At the time of this release James Corden and Mathew Horne were big in the UK, I never understood the nation's fascination with them, in my eyes they just weren't funny. Is that the reason I didn't like this film, well no… this film is awful.

The plot is a muddled mess, Jimmy has just been dumped by his girlfriend and his friend Fletch has just lost his job. Both decide to take a weekend retreat to get away from it all but on a budget. Ending up in some dump the guys meet a bunch of hot chicks, find out about an ancient curse, meet Lesbian Vampires and wield a sword that apparently looks like a penis.

Let's start with the good, the look of the film is impressive. I have never seen a British made flick look this glossy, the sets are large and cartoony but they look expensive. MTV funded this but I'd be surprised if they made their money back.

The opening montage is ridiculously humorous and the voiceover is comically self aware. At this point I had high hopes for some cheesy fun, the likes of which I got with 2001 Maniacs. The title sequence was colourful and included a new remix of Monster Mash. I love Monster Mash and was not prepared for the plummet in quality once the song ended.

The main focus of this one is not on Horror but comedy, much like the recent Zombieland picture. Unlike Zombieland the comedy here just falls flat with the main gist of the humour coming from frequent swearing and nob jokes. I know I'm far from being a teenager but I still find toilet humour funny, this though was infantile and I feel the 15 certificate blocks the target audience from seeing it.

This being a film about Lesbian Vampires I expected more exploitation, sure the camera lingers over everyone's ample cleavage but this was hardly risqué. There is nudity, but its fleeting shots and most is obscured by strategically placed hair, I have to question was this made for children?

There is violence but it's strange in how it's pulled off. Rather than using extreme gore they opt for a white discharge, everything in this film is sexual.

As I said before I despise Corden and Horne but if you're into their type of comedy there's nothing I can say to change your opinion. The acting is meant to be tongue-in-cheek but all I got from it was foot in mouth. The women look hot and that's it. One surprise was Paul McGann – at first I didn't realise it was him, one because he looks totally different and two because he's in this film, why? Playing a Van Helsing-esque character he's the best thing about this slop, but that's hardly good praise.

I hate this crap and am amazed to hear that a one point this was considered to be the launching title for the new Hammer Horror label. Hopefully they decided against this as they saw what trash it was. The fact that this film looks so good is also an irritant as the money could have been spent on more worthy British productions. The film ends with a set up for a sequel and at that point I realised I have a weakness for bad titles – "Big Gay Werewolves" doesn't that have potential? 1/10

Best Kill
Any of them they were cack

Intended as a straight to DVD production – it makes sense now
The writers were challenged to make the dumbest commercial title, well done there
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no sequel here

Director: Phil Claydon
Screenplay: Paul Hupfield, Stewart Williams
Released: 2009
Rating: 15
Starring: James Corden, Mathew Horne, Paul McGann

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